The Funeral, Revisited
by Valere001
Summary: This is my take on Jackson's funeral. It is in two parts.
1. Chapter 1

I wish to acknowledge the tremendous encouragement and support from friendoftheearth. She is an amazing beta reader and this would not have been possible without her help. She is also an amazing author. Make sure to read all her stories!

I have written two other single-chapter stories and they appear as contributions in friendoftheearth's story _Runaway_ (as chapters 25 and 26). They are my first attempts at writing for this site. Since they cannot be published separately, I invite you to check _Runaway_ to read them.

Thank you, friendoftheearth!

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><p>I had a hard time with the fact that Aaron missed Jackson's funeral. I thought it was most cruel. This is my way of making things right! All Emmerdale characters mentioned here belong to ITV.<p>

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The Funeral, Revisited - Part One

By Valere001

He was in a jail cell, waiting to appear in front of the judge for his bail hearing. He was by himself and he felt incredibly isolated, incredibly lonely. All he had were his thoughts, his sorrow, the pain of knowing Jackson was no longer with him. Jackson was dead! He had helped him commit suicide, and his funeral was today. Of all days to schedule the bloody bail hearing, it had to be today! Aaron and Hazel had arranged the funeral for today, the planning had started a few days ago, but they never expected the hearing to take place the same day.

Aaron had been charged with the murder of Jackson. He was trying to understand why they had him in jail. He had been free up until this point, and he hadn't done a runner. So, why were they expecting him to disappear all of a sudden? He certainly wasn't planning on doing that. Why would he, anyway? Yes, he had a habit of doing runners, but this would be the most stupid one of all. Shortly after Jackson had died, after he had run out of Dale Head panic-stricken, he had spoken with Cain and had decided to go to the police station. Cain had actually been very sympathetic, even wishing he had a magic wand he could use to help Aaron return to October, before the argument by the side of the road. Aaron had been very touched by that! Cain had shown his sensitive side.

He went to the station willingly, to make sure things were handled properly. Besides, if he hadn't turned up, they would have come after him, and neither he nor Hazel wanted to raise suspicions. He and Hazel had handed the computer over, like Jackson had instructed them to do. It all had to be in the open, it was all planned, but by Jackson. This was not murder, it was assisted suicide, and Aaron had assisted Jackson, Hazel unable to do it, too distraught by the prospect of… killing her own son? No, they didn't kill him. They helped him carry out his ultimate wish, they helped him die, they helped him end what he called his useless life, the hell that his life had become. Hazel understood his desperation, even though she did not agree with it.

On the train platform in Whitby, Jackson had asked her to help him and she had understood what he wanted. It literally broke her heart. Weeks later, after many angry and tearful discussions and some serious convincing on the part of Jackson, she had finally, albeit reluctantly, agreed to help him in his quest for freedom, for release. He just couldn't bear any longer to be in this helpless, dependent state, this wasn't the life he wanted, this wasn't life, this wasn't the Jackson he wanted to be for the rest of his days on God's green earth. Having to rely on others to be fed, clothed, cared for, to have his personal needs looked after, this constantly humiliating way of life was not going to happen. Jackson had made it clear to Hazel and to Aaron. He wanted out.

Prisoner of this cell, Aaron kept thinking about what he had done. In his mind, he had killed Jackson, simple as that. But not murdered him. He, too, had refused at first to give in to Jackson's wish. He tried all he could to persuade him that life was worth living; well, it would have been with him. Aaron was willing to help him in all the ways necessary, he wanted to be with him, he loved him and had told him so. Maybe too late, yes, he knew he had screwed that part, but he certainly loved him sincerely. He so wanted to be with him, it was painful. He wanted to be able to kiss him tenderly, to run his fingers through his tight curls. Jackson liked that, he thought it was soothing, relaxing. He wanted to hold his face in his hands and look into those big brown eyes that had melted his heart on more than one occasion, that had calmed him down so many times when he was getting all wound up.

The guard came to the door and slid open the small window to check on him. Aaron had jumped to his feet and run to the door, banging on it, pleading to be let out, but to no avail. Why, why was this happening? Why were they doing this? He wasn't some kind of criminal about to go on a killing rampage. He was a devastated young man aching to have the love of his life back with him.

Unable to get anywhere with the guard, he returned to the bench fastened to the wall and slumped on it. He stared at the door, hoping it would open, but it didn't. Tears were running down his cheeks, his emotions were everywhere. The pain was so profound. He felt numb.

Before being called in for bail hearing, Aaron was interviewed by two detectives working on the case. During the interview, although it felt more like an interrogation, the female detective had repeatedly tried to put words in his mouth, tried to have him admit to murdering Jackson, that it was all a big plan to kill him. He was steadfast in his resolve to stick to the facts, and the facts where that he did assist his boyfriend to commit suicide, because he couldn't do it himself, but he did not murder Jackson. He did not. It was all in a video on the computer, which the police had.

The male detective had been different, he was not as manipulative as his colleague, he was sticking to straightforward questions and listening to his answers, he wasn't trying to make him say things. He actually gave her a few glances in an attempt to make her ease up a bit. He seemed almost sympathetic. He probably felt sorry for him, sorry he had found himself in such an awful situation. Who knows, maybe the man agreed with him, understood completely why he had done what he did, but was more professional than his colleague and was not showing his true feelings.

He didn't murder Jackson, he didn't. He had brought the glass to his lips, the glass containing the lethal mixture. Yes, he had done that. Even though he could barely hold it, his hands shaking so badly, he had helped him drink the liquid that would help Jackson slip away, drift out of the useless shell his body had become. In his mind, he understood that, it was a compassionate act, one he really didn't want to do, but there was no way to convince his boyfriend otherwise. He understood he didn't willfully take Jackson's life, but in his mind, the result was the same, he had killed him. He felt devastated and helpless, he felt sick again just thinking about it. Murder? Mercy killing? The result was the same. He was now without Jackson, the love of his life, the man who helped him come to terms with himself, and he was utterly crushed.

Somewhere in the courthouse, in her chambers, Judge Julia Baxter was reviewing her work for the day, all the cases that were scheduled to be heard. Criminals of all kinds, people who were to face the justice system for whatever crime they had committed. She was sitting at her desk with her paralegal Mark Selby. They were going over each case, reviewing facts, determining what kind of danger each accused represented to society. Was bail justified? How much should it be? When would these people be brought to trial? Any danger of them committing another crime in the meantime? All kinds of questions they had to ponder in determining bail conditions.

She opened the next folder. The name at the top: Livesy, Aaron. Charge: Murder. In the details of the case, she read that he was charged with the murder of Jackson Walsh. Jackson Walsh… Aaron Livesy… Those names sounded familiar, but why? She turned to Mark, "Do these names ring a bell to you? Why do they sound so familiar to me?"

Mark reviewed the information and thought for a bit. "M'am, I believe Aaron Livesy was charged with ABH a little over a year ago, and it was on the person of Jackson Walsh. At the time, you handled the case, that was the young man who said his action was not homophobic but rather committed because he was gay, he was trying to hide who he was. Do you remember?"

"Yes, I think I do. I believe I sentenced him to 150 hours of community service."

"You did, M'am," Mark replied.

"Yes, it's all coming back now. I remember this young lad, he was terrified. Standing there, in the box, dressed in his dark suit, he looked so out of place, so young. And his admission took a lot of courage, I must say I admired what he did."

She put her glasses back on and started reading the other details of the case. Assisted suicide? Well, that was rather unusual. She hadn't seen a case like this one before.

"I saw in the paper this morning that the funeral was scheduled for today at 11:30," Mark said, looking at Judge Baxter.

"Today!" Julia Baxter exclaimed. "11:30? Livesy is in a holding cell here and his boyfriend's funeral is happening in his absence?" Mark noticed that Judge Baxter sounded really troubled by that realisation.

She felt so sorry for this young man, what a terrible situation to find himself in, she thought. But assisted suicide? She wasn't sure what to think of that. One thing was for sure, she was not going to judge him on the spot or even think about the legal battle that was coming up for him. She was really glad she was not the judge assigned to hearing the case when it would come to trial. It had been assigned to someone else, a name with which she was not familiar. For a moment, she realised she was not thinking like a judge, but rather like a mother. She felt uneasy when she noticed that, but still, she collected herself, figured out there was something very wrong with this situation and she was going to do something about it.

"What time is it?" she asked, looking at Mark over her glasses.

"9:15, M'am."

She had her reasons and she couldn't explain them to anyone just yet, but she was about to do something very unusual. She pondered her decision for a bit.

"Mark, can you get me a TCR form, please?"

Mark was surprised, but he knew somehow where this was going. A Temporary Conditional Release form was something used in extremely rare circumstances. The judge who authorized one needed reasons that could be justified in front of a committee of peers should the issue become contentious.

"Yes, M'am, right away." He went into an adjoining room to get one and after returning with the form, he handed it to Judge Baxter who filled it out quickly. He signed it as witness and she thanked him for that. Now, all she needed to do was get the form approved by the chief justice in charge that day. She knew who it was and she was certain he would understand, he would know that this was a serious request. Before leaving the room, she turned to Mark and asked him to find out in what cell Aaron Livesy was detained, and to cancel the bail hearings scheduled for this morning. Reason: Presiding judge unwell.

He smiled at her and said he'd look after these arrangements. In the meantime, Julia Baxter marched down the hall to her superior and handed him the form. William Hudson was a man with about forty years of experience in the justice system. He had seen just about everything during his career. He was a man with a critical mind and a heart of gold. He was also very fair and he didn't take kindly to people who thought they could take advantage of him. Hudson read the form, looked at her, and said in his usual, calm, deep voice, "Julia, I trust you have very good reasons to do this."

"I do, Sir, I do. I understand I am responsible for Livesy's actions should something go wrong. I am willing to take that risk."

She knew that what she was planning was unorthodox, but she also knew that it was an act of compassion, something she really wanted to do, needed to do. She wasn't sure what pushed her. Sympathy? Compassion? Understanding? Sadness? Well, all of those reasons. She also knew she wasn't taking any risk at all. Of what she remembered of the young lad standing in front of her a year ago, he was not about to mess up what she had planned for him.

In the meantime, Mark Selby found out that Aaron Livesy was in cell number three, cancelled the hearings scheduled for the morning and rescheduled them for another day. There was some grumbling at all the fuss that had created, but he didn't care. He knew that if Judge Baxter was asking for this to be done, she had good reasons. She was not someone to throw her weight around just for kicks, and he respected her for that. She was a true professional. Actually, a lot of people wanted to be assigned as paralegal to work with her, but only a few were chosen. Out of all the candidates, she had picked him. He knew he was fortunate for his situation and appreciated every moment spent with her. He enjoyed her as a person and as a professional. He was learning a lot with her.

By the time she came back into the office, Mark had her coat over his arm, ready for her to take and put on. He knew where she was going. "Would you mind coming with me, Mark? We're going for a quick walk down to the holding block, and I never like to go there by myself. You know, these old buildings, I think they are haunted."

He smiled at her. He knew she was a bit superstitious, but didn't say anything. He just followed her down the stairs. Arriving at the service desk, she identified herself, and handed over the form she had brought along. The attendant read it carefully, initialed it and signaled to the other officer to escort her to cell number three, where Aaron was detained.

When the door opened, Aaron jumped to his feet and ran toward the exit, but only to be stopped by the officer who quickly closed the door back half-way, surprised at Aaron making for the door so fast. He yelled at him to stop right there, extending his arm and putting a solid hand on his chest. The man looked at him in a way that was meant to intimate he should calm down. It took a while, Aaron was furious, angry, frustrated. After seeing that Aaron had indeed calmed down, the officer said, "There is someone here to see you." Aaron was incredulous, who would be coming to see him at this stage. The last time he spoke with his mother on the phone, he had asked her and Paddy to attend the funeral. That was more important. He could take care of himself. So, they were all at the village getting ready for the funeral, the funeral he couldn't attend.

From the side appeared a well-dressed lady, mid-fifties, light brown hair, someone who looked strangely familiar to Aaron. He kept looking at her, wondering who she was, where he had seen her before. She looked pleasant enough, she had a small smile, she was very calm. Her whole demeanour was reassuring, friendly.

"Aaron Livesy?" she said.

"Yes."

"My name is Julia Baxter, Judge Julia Baxter. I believe we've met before, so to speak, when I heard your case on a charge of ABH, a little over a year ago. I handed you a community service sentence. I trust you're done paying back your due to the community," she said, looking straight into his eyes, using a tone that was just a bit more stern than she intended.

Now he remembered the judge. "Yes, I'm done," Aaron replied, proud for having made it through that sentence. Say what you want, Community Payback was not the picnic people thought it was. In his case, he had to contend with the likes of Wayne Dobson who was constantly on his case. But Aaron had been determined that Wayne wouldn't get the better of him and had done everything he could not to screw up. He had swallowed his pride more than once during that sentence, and he had found it difficult, humiliating at times. However, he had succeeded and he was damn proud of himself.

Aaron was stunned, scared, confused. He didn't know what else to say. He was wondering what the heck she was doing down here. He figured he was in deep trouble if a judge took the time to come down and see an accused before any proceedings even started.

"If I remember correctly, you were accused of hitting Jackson Walsh at the time."

It all came flooding back, him lashing out in the pub, the police coming to pick him up, the efforts by Adam, Paddy and Chas, and even Jackson, to make him see some sense and tell the court why he did what he did. But there was no way he was going to do that then. Admit publicly he was fighting his inner gay identity? Absolutely not! How stupid did they think he was? But after a while, in court, he had resolved to take that huge step and tell the judge, that same judge who was now standing in front of him, that he had done it because he was gay.

The admission was massive, it had somehow made the front page of the _Hotten Courier_. He was so uncomfortable about the whole thing. Everyone would know now, they'd look at him differently, talk to him differently. He was so scared by it all. For a couple of days after the court appearance, he was almost paralysed. He stayed home, hid himself away pondering his future. He just didn't know what to do. All he could think of was that people would know he was gay, imagine all kinds of things. Aaron Livesy, the tough kid in the village for so many years, gay? No way! But after a while, after being coaxed by everyone who cared about him, after being told repeatedly that it didn't matter, that after a while nobody would care, he decided it was time to stand up and be a man. It was out of his hands now. Life had to go on. On the third day, he went back to work, life was starting to get back to normal.

That judge had seemed really nice at the time, she had a kind face. When she pronounced the sentence, he almost thanked her! She did it in a nice way, so to speak. It was also the fact that he was so relieved that he was not going to prison. Pretend as he might, he was not relishing the idea of being sent down. The tough guy image he gave in the village would have taken a beating inside. So he was relieved, yes, but he would never have admitted that to anyone. One hundred and fifty hours of community service. Well, that was all behind him. He was now in even more trouble. A charge of murder? He certainly wouldn't end up doing community service for that!

She shook him out of his reverie. "Mr. Livesy, I understand your boyfriend is being buried today. Is that correct?"

"Yeah. Jackson's funeral is today, and I am stuck here waiting for a flamin' bail hearing," he spat out, unaware of what this judge had in mind for him.

"Calm down, young man," she said. "For reasons I can't explain yet, I have a proposal for you." She showed him the TCR form. "This is a Temporary Conditional Release form. What it says, in a nutshell, it that you can be released from jail for a temporary period, in this case a few hours, on the condition that you will return here with me. You don't return here with me and I am in deep trouble. If I am in deep trouble, you are in even deeper trouble. Is that clear?" She finished with that, not in a stern way but it certainly wasn't open to interpretation.

Aaron didn't know what to think, what to make of her. Was she saying she was going to take him to the funeral? Did he understand her right? He was confused, what with all his feelings being so raw from the pain of Jackson's death, the charge, everything was all so complicated. But this, here, didn't seem to be complicated at all. She seemed to be saying he could attend Jackson's funeral if he went with her and promised to come back with her.

"Are you saying I can go to the funeral if I go with you?"

"Yes," she said very calmly, nodding her head at the same time, "provided we don't waste too much time discussing this." As calm as she was, Aaron was far from calm.

"And all I have to do is come back with you."

"Correct. Your bail hearing will just be postponed to later this afternoon and, to be fair, I'll hand over the case to someone else, just so I don't have to deal with you after this."

"Why are you doing this?

She understood his uncertainty, his hesitation. She could imagine why he'd want to know. But now was not the time for that. There was no time for long discussions. "There are no strings attached. Do you want to go or not?"

As thrown as he was by her reply, he recovered quickly. He realised she was serious, she really wanted him to attend Jackson's funeral. What the heck was he waiting for?

"Yes, I do." Suddenly, he became more mindful of his language, of how he was speaking to her.

"Good," she said. Turning to Mark, "Let's get this form signed. Mr. Livesy and I need to get going." The form was handed to the duty officer. This was the first time someone had used it on his shift. He signed it, wrote Aaron's name in capital letters in the appropriate box, and Aaron initialed it. The duty officer kept the form so it could be returned to the judge upon Aaron returning to his cell. As soon as these formalities were taken care of, they were on their way back up the stairs towards the exit and the car park.

Before leaving the building, she stopped and turned to Aaron, "Mr. Livesy, you do realise I trust you here not to run away or do anything foolish that would hurt your case or my reputation. Are we clear on that?" she said, looking at him straight in the eyes.

"Yes, we are, M'am." He was still intimidated by this lady, but he managed to maintain her gaze, wanting to convey the right message, the right impression, the right intention. "Trust me, I won't screw this up… erm, sorry, I didn't mean to say it like that." Aaron realised what he had said and knew he shouldn't be using that kind of language in front of this woman, not now.

She gave him a small smile. "That's alright, Mr. Livesy. I understand. Let's go now, I think we can make it on time if we hurry."

He was still trying to figure out what was happening, but here he was, following this older woman who was walking faster than he was! As they reached her car, he made to her door to open it for her. He was actually surprised he thought of that, but she seemed pleased by his manners. After all, just because he was wearing tracky bottoms and boots and a hoodie, that didn't mean he had no manners... He wasn't a total chav after all!

With both of them now sitting in the car, she said, "We are going to Emmerdale and I haven't been there in a long time, so you'll have to direct me." Aaron still couldn't believe what was happening. Although he was going to Jackson's funeral, which was in itself a very sad occasion, he almost felt elated. An hour or so ago, he didn't think he was going to make it.

The drive over was quiet, he gave her directions when appropriate, but they remained mostly silent. At some point, as they were approaching the village, he asked her directly, "Why are you doing this?" His voice was soft, casual, but she could tell he was curious, surprised by what she was doing for him. After all, he was a total stranger, just another case like all the other ones she had to deal with. Was he suspicious?

She was focused on the road. She heard him, but took her time to answer his question, she wanted to say the right thing. "I get a sense that you and Jackson became an item after the court case. From what I read in your file and from what I see in you right now, my personal opinion, and that's all it is," she emphasised, "is that you probably didn't intentionally kill Jackson Walsh. This element of assisted suicide is a very important consideration."

Aaron was following her so far and agreeing with was she was saying. "You're right, I certainly didn't intentionally kill Jackson."

"In my very personal opinion, you should be attending his funeral, and not be held in jail for a bail hearing." She stopped the car shortly before entering the village and turned to him, "When my 30-year old son went away to work on the drilling platforms a few years ago, he tried to tell me something. I know what it was, and I just about ignored him. He is gay and he is very happy with this man he lives with, they love each other very much. I was too blind at the time to see that. I do regret the way I reacted, or actually the way I didn't react. Career, schedule, obligations of all sorts. No one's perfect. Anyway, this is not about excuses." She paused for a moment, collecting her thoughts. "And what I am doing here with you is not about guilt, I don't believe in that kind of guilt. It's more about righting something that is wrong. That's all it is. You being in jail on this particular day is just wrong. For whatever reason. I was in the right place at the right time. That's all it is."

He was listening very carefully, smiling inside, aware that she was watching his every reaction, but he wasn't about to say anything until she was finished.

"I don't know what to say." He was at a loss for words but he knew he needed to say something. "Thank you! I get that, as a mum, you know what this is about, you probably know how I feel. So, again, thank you!" He was uncomfortable saying this to a total stranger, but he knew he had to, besides, it felt right.

She looked at him, listening to his words, feeling his gratitude. Her mind was replaying the scene with her son, before he went away, but like she said, this wasn't about guilt. It was about making something better. Nothing else was said between the two of them, but there was no need for any words. She started the car again and drove the rest of the way to the village. As they entered the village, she looked at him briefly, "You can't attend your boyfriend's funeral dressed like that. Where do you live?"

"Over there, on top of the hill, turn left."

She brought the car to a stop in front of the Smithy, "You have 10 minutes to change into something decent, go!"

He looked at her, still unsure. Suddenly, her words sank in; he got out of the car and ran to Smithy Cottage. It was still his home, he had all his clothes there, still had his room, and he knew where he could find something decent. Paddy had given him black dress pants at Christmas, he said he needed something sort of dressy between the jeans and the suit. 'Paddy was always so sensible,' Aaron thought. And he knew he had a nice white dress shirt, the same one he wore when he met Jackson for the second time, outside Bar West. That meeting had not been planned, but still. This would have to do and Jackson would definitely understand!

He would have worn his suit but Chas had brought it to him the day before so he could wear it for his bail hearing, but he left it behind at the jail as they made their way out. It was really the last thing on his mind at the time.

He came in, closed the door behind him and just leaned against it for a brief moment. He let out a big sigh. What the heck was happening to him? An hour or so ago, he was in jail awaiting bail hearing, and now, he was home, needing to change quickly so he could attend Jackson's funeral accompanied by a judge. And this judge in the car… what was she, a guardian angel? He was so nervous about the whole situation, yet, he was so relieved to be here, to actually be able to say goodbye properly. He was welling up now, many memories were surfacing, a whole bunch of emotions were twisting his stomach, let alone his heart, but he had to compose himself. He had to focus and get ready. The clock was ticking.

Before he went upstairs to get dressed, he realised he had to call his Mum to tell her he was here and to wait for him before they started the service. It was 11:15. He reached for his phone and realised whith horror that he didn't have it. The phone had been confiscated with the other items in his pockets when they booked him. He immediately ran through the house into Paddy's surgery and grabbed the phone that was there. He fumbled with it a bit, his hands were shaking, but managed to dial his Mum's number.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

The Funeral, Revisited Part Two

By Valere001

Chas' phone rang in her bag. Wondering who it was, she grabbed it quickly and looked at the name on the screen, 'Vets'. "Paddy, what are you doing calling me?" she said, a puzzled look on her face.

"I'm not calling you, I'm standing right here, next to you!" he exclaimed.

"Then who's calling from your office?"

"I don't know, answer it, and we'll find out,' he said, also curious as to who it could be because there shouldn't be anyone there right now.

Chas finally stopped talking and answered the phone. "Hello? What? Aaron? What are you doing there?"

At the other end of the line, Aaron had no time for chit chat. "Mum, shut up for a sec, will ya? I'm at the Smithy, I'm getting changed and I'll be right over. I'll explain later. Ask Hazel and the vicar to wait for me, will you? Mum, please, just do it," he pleaded with her before hanging up.

Chas was gobsmacked. This morning, there was no way he was going to be able to be here, she had spoken to him on the phone. He had insisted she and Paddy stay at the village to attend the funeral because that was more important. That was the one thing he had asked her to do for him. And now he was here!

She was not overly friendly with Hazel these days. She had accused her of getting Aaron into trouble by having him give Jackson his lethal drink. Aaron had explained to her that it was not really how it happened, but still. The relationship between the two women had become more than a little frosty. However, Aaron being here was good news, so she approached Hazel and said in a hushed voice, "Aaron is at the Smithy, he wants us to wait for him, he'll be here in a minute." She was trying her best to smile at her, wanting to offer some kind of comfort, one mother to another. She was so pleased that Aaron was able to make it. Not that she knew how, but she certainly intended to find out!

Hazel's face lit up at hearing the news, she was so relieved. She quickly turned around to speak to the vicar and asked him to delay the service until Aaron arrived, explaining the situation.

There were still a lot of people gathered in front of the church, waiting for the coffin to be taken out of the hearse and carried inside. Standing among them was Jerry, who was going to be a pallbearer. He had been asked and was happy to do it, to do it for Jackson, his son, the son he violently rejected upon learning he was gay. The same son with whom he had tried to make amends after the accident. Not that he was really interested before, but the accident had shaken him. His fatherly sense of obligation, of responsibility, had kicked in. Or was it guilt? Who knows. Jerry had maintained contact with Jackson, visiting him while he was in hospital, and afterwards once Jackson came back to Emmerdale. During Jackson's stay in hospital, Jerry had suggested he should come live with him, but Jackson was not interested. His reply to his father was that he was still going to be gay. So why should he like him now if he couldn't bare the sight of him before the accident? Jerry hadn't been too pleased by that. In the end, Jackson had agreed to come back to the village and live with his mother at Dale Head.

Jerry was standing by the hearse. Turning to Hazel, "What are we waiting for? It's 11:25."

"Aaron is on his way. I just spoke to the vicar and we're going to wait for him."

"What for? He's not here and I'm not waiting for him," he said with a hint of disgust and a slightly raised voice. He'd never liked Aaron, and he was not about to start doing him any favours now.

Cain was right behind him and he heard the whole exchange with Hazel. He came closer. "What's going on, Hazel?" he said, looking at her then at Jerry. She was about to answer when Jerry cut her off, "She said something about Aaron being here and coming down, but he's not here, is he? I don't care where he is," he hissed, "the service will start now, on time, I have a son to bury." Before Jerry had a chance to turn and take his place with the other pallbearers, Cain grabbed his arm tightly just above the elbow, stopping him right there. The menacing way Cain looked at him, Jerry knew he should listen to whatever he had to say.

"Jerry, we know how upset and angry you are that Jackson is dead, we understand that. But you're not alone. Hazel is hurting, Aaron is hurting. The whole village is sad because that lad is gone. If you ever wondered how much everyone liked him, how much he'll be missed, just look around you. You're not the only one grieving, so don't go being a prat. Show some respect, if not for Hazel and Aaron and everyone else here, at least for Jackson." When he was done, he let go of Jerry's arm. Jerry was none too pleased by the show of authority by Cain Dingle, and he felt embarrassed. However, he chose to remain calm. He slowly walked to the other side of the car so he could take his place when the coffin was being pulled out for the pallbearers to carry it.

Hazel was grateful to Cain for what he did; for a moment there, she was afraid Jerry would blow up, but he didn't. He knew better than to do that.

Back at the Smithy, Aaron was almost ready. He was wearing the black dress pants and the white shirt. He looked at the bottom of his wardrobe for a pair of shoes he knew were there. Not boots today. There was a limit to what Jackson would understand! On his way out, he grabbed a dark coat from the coat hooks that were by the entrance, closed the door behind him and hurried over to join Judge Baxter.

She was standing by the car, looking at him coming toward her. "That's better," she said, a small smile on her face. "Should I go with you?" she asked out of courtesy. She knew that, technically, he shouldn't be out of her sight, but what would she do if he bolted out of the village? Run after him in her high heels? Not really an option. She knew there was no danger of him disappearing, but at the same time, she also thought she should be there for support. The way he had arrived at the village was bound to raise questions, maybe even some eyebrows. She needed to be there to answer those questions.

"Yeah, I'd like that," he said, hesitantly, "that is if you want to. I… I think you should come."

She was honoured that he would say that. She gave him a knowing smile and a nod of the head towards the street where they could see people walking. By the clothes they were wearing, they had to be going to the service. It wasn't a long walk from the Smithy to the church. People turned to see the pair arriving, and yes, there were a few surprised faces. As they arrived in front of the church, Aaron walked toward Hazel and asked her how she was; he saw his mother and nodded at her. He saw Paddy and realised how relieved he was to see the older man, he knew he could count on him for support should he need some. He turned to Judge Baxter and introduced her to his Mum, then to Paddy, pointing out he was his stepdad, and then to Hazel, indicating she was Jackson's mother. He then looked at Jude, who was standing by the church entrance, and to Hazel, "Thanks for waiting, I really appreciate that."

"Not a problem, Aaron, I am pleased that you are here for Jackson," Jude said, in a comforting tone. Aaron and Hazel had contacted him after Ashley had refused to perform the service, his conscience hadn't allowed him to. Aaron and Hazel had been furious at his words, at his judgement, at his attitude.

Right before taking his place with the other pallbearers, Aaron turned to Judge Baxter who approached him and said in a quiet voice, "I'll be in the back of the church, you go on and do what you need to do. We can meet after the ceremony at the cemetery. We have to be back around 2 o'clock. We'll be fine."

Aaron was grateful for that, he wanted to be able to focus on the ceremony and not have to worry about her and the obligation he had toward her. She was cutting him some slack. Not that she was keeping a close eye on him or anything; he actually felt she trusted him. It made him feel good to realise that.

The funeral director pulled the coffin partly out of the hearse and then instructed Aaron and the five other pallbearers to take over. They carried the coffin inside and placed it in the front, next to a TV screen. Hazel was already sitting in a front pew. There was a place next to her for Aaron. The church was full, testament to just how well thought of Jackson was in Emmerdale, how much the villagers liked his kind spirit, his cheerful personality. Well, he was certainly cheerful before the accident, much less after, but that was because Jackson had already started his slow descent into the black hole that would consume him, that would consume his mind and his willingness to live.

Aaron came to sit next to Hazel. As he was sitting there, looking at the coffin, the cold reality of the situation just hit him, the enormity of it, the sheer pain of it. Jackson was dead, simple as that. He wouldn't see him again, wouldn't touch him, hold his face, hear his voice, see that trademark smile of his that would just melt his heart. He wouldn't feel his love anymore. Jackson was dead. Closed were the big brown eyes in which he would lose himself. Closed for ever.

Great sadness enveloped him. Even with Hazel, his Mum and Paddy close by, even with everyone in the church, he felt alone with his memories. It was painful, just so bloody painful.

Jude welcomed everyone and started the service. He had a comforting tone that made everyone feel more at ease in these difficult circumstances. The ceremony was an opportunity to say goodbye to Jackson and to express sorrow at the loss of a boyfriend, a son, a friend. There were to be some readings and some prayers. Close to the end of the service, Hazel got up. But right before getting to her feet, she had touched Aaron's hand as a sign that he should come with her. He was a little surprised but he got up and followed her to the pulpit, and they stood together, facing the congregation. Hazel unfolded a piece of paper, carefully placing it on the pulpit, and then rested her hands on either side of it to steady herself.

She took a deep breath and started reading.

_Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud._

She stopped after that first line. With the index finger of her right hand, she pointed to the second line. Aaron looked at her, unsure about this, but he quickly picked up where she pointed and continued, slowly:

_It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs._

Hazel read the following line: _Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth._

She stopped and looked at Aaron so he would continue.

Aaron's voice was shaky, hesitant, he was struggling to swallow the lump in his throat, but he read the final line, stressing each word carefully: _It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres._

They hadn't discussed that reading, but at the last minute, she decided to include it in the service. Now that Aaron was here, she made sure he would be reading the last line. She knew the words wouldn't be lost on him. She knew he would protect those he loved, especially his new boyfriend when he found one, when that time came. He had protected Jackson as well as he could. He had done his best. The outcome of Jackson's decision had been out of Aaron's hands. Jackson had patiently showed him how to trust, how to open up, how to get close to the person he loved, and Aaron had trusted Jackson with all his heart. It had been difficult at first, but Aaron learned. He had hoped Jackson would change his mind. Although he didn't, Hazel was confident that Aaron would eventually have hope for the future, and that he would always persevere. Aaron was capable of loving, she knew that, and she so wished for him to persevere through the tough times ahead so he would be able to love again, to hope for a future with another companion, to trust him with his heart and his feelings, and to protect him against life's brutal assaults, the same way that special person would with him.

Jerry had listened to them and he was swallowing the lump in his throat. Was he finally realising how much Aaron loved his son? Was he suddenly aware that he was not alone in his grief? His feelings were very confused right now because he still hated the bastard for killing his son. He still believed that Aaron, well Aaron and Hazel, had murdered Jackson. He didn't know what to think. Was it real sadness on his part or was it sheer anger at the display of emotions? He just couldn't deal with it anymore, so he made to get up, but a hand settled on his shoulder. Pearl was sitting behind him, she had put her hand on his shoulder in the hopes of comforting him and she handed him a handkerchief. He thought again and decided to remain seated. Out of respect for Jackson.

After they had returned to their seats, Jude addressed the congregation to tell them that there was one last part to the service. Everyone had realised that with a TV screen set up next to the coffin, it had to be a video. Hazel and Aaron knew that Jackson had kept a video diary, that was how Aaron had found out that Jackson wanted to end his life. So it seemed he had one last message for them all.

True to himself, Jackson appeared on the screen, his beautiful brown eyes still sparkling, but with less mischief. He had a serious message to deliver. Aaron was staring hard, he just couldn't believe that only a few days ago, Jackson was still alive. Even then, on that fatal day, Aaron had hoped secretly, in his heart, that Jackson might change his mind. Well, he was wrong, because Jackson's resolve was very strong. He wanted out.

Julia Baxter was also watching the screen, she remembered the face of the young man sitting in the gallery, so young, so beautiful, life ahead of him, life with all its opportunities and its challenges. The accident had changed all that. She was now listening to a very mature young man who had decided that life the way it would be was not for him. She also clearly heard him say how grateful he was to Hazel and to Aaron for helping him. He knew they didn't want to, but he loved them so much for having made that sacrifice. She heard Jackson say very clearly that he didn't want anyone to point a finger at them for what they did. They did it because he asked them to, because he simply couldn't do it himself. They did it because he pleaded with them to help him end his life, a life he just couldn't take anymore. Julia Baxter was very moved, she was also relieved that she was not assigned to Aaron's case. She would have found it very hard to handle it.

Once the service was finished, the pallbearers started to gather on either side of the coffin. Aaron realised this was the final voyage, the final contact, albeit remote, with Jackson. He got up, took his place with the others and caught hold of the handle, ready to lift the coffin on his shoulder like the others would be doing. Reality just dawned on him: he was carrying Jackson's lifeless body. Tears were running down his face, the pain and the sadness were raw, they were there for everyone to witness, including for Julia Baxter. She was standing at the back of the church and gave Aaron a comforting smile as he and the other pallbearers walked passed her on their way out of the church.

Everyone filed out behind the coffin which was placed in the hearse to be taken to the gravesite. Jerry stood by the car and looked inside, at the flowers that were adorning the cover, the football made of flowers, a symbol of Jackson's love of footie. His face was blank, no real expression could be read on it. He noticed Hazel's reflection in the window. He turned around, but he just couldn't stand looking at her. Not now. Even in grief, he couldn't show any compassion for her. He could have made an effort. After all, she, too, had lost a son. His eyes bored into her, he was so angry. He still believed that she and Aaron had planned all along to kill Jackson. She was a murdering bitch. He had said it before, he still thought so now. Before opening his mouth and saying something he would regret, he went past her and marched off with the other villagers toward the cemetery.

Aaron looked around to see if he could find Judge Baxter. He knew she was in the crowd. When he spotted her, their eyes met. He simply gave her a nod. He knew she would be waiting for him after the graveside ceremony.

He then joined Hazel and Bob, Paddy and his mum and they all walked to the cemetery.

Everyone had gathered around the grave, this big hole where Jackson would rest for eternity. What a cold, dark place for someone so beautiful and so cheerful, so kind and so loving. Aaron knew that a body without a spirit was just that, a dead body like the one in the coffin. But still, it was Jackson's beautiful body, his image that he so vividly remembered right now.

Jude said one last prayer. He then brought the box of soil to Hazel so she could take a handful and throw it on the coffin. She was pretty composed, given the circumstances. She grabbed some soil from the box then turned toward the coffin and let it slip through her fingers. This was the final goodbye to her precious son, her lovely boy. She was given a white rose that she placed on the coffin and Aaron was given a red one. He kept it in his shaking hands. He was now crying freely, sobbing, his body shaking uncontrollably. Cain had remained close by all through the ceremony and he moved next to Aaron when he saw the state of him. He put his arm around his shoulder, held him close. Surprising move from Cain, but then again, Aaron had seen on other rare occasions that Cain had a sensitive side to him, and Cain always liked the young man, even if he had a bad temper every now and again! Cain was no angel either, so…

After a moment, Aaron placed the red rose on Jackson's coffin. "I'll never forget you, Jackson, you changed my life," he managed to say through the tears. He was in bits. He turned around to look for his Mum and on seeing her right next to him, he just threw his arms around her and started crying again. He was just inconsolable. Chas had never seen Aaron so sad, so vulnerable. He regained his composure after a little while and he looked at her and at Hazel, "We can't bring him back now, can we? This is it." Both of them were crushed by his realisation and his deep sorrow. "No, son, we can't," Chas said softly, "but we'll do everything we can to help you move on."

Aaron heard what she said. He looked at them both and managed a small smile. But his mind had strayed, he was lost in his thoughts. All he could think about was, 'What's the point of moving on when I'm all alone? What for? Jackson's gone, there's no reason for me to move on. He was my reason to live.'

Jerry had left immediately after the lowering of the coffin. Other people were slowly drifting away. Paddy came to Aaron and took him in a big hug.

"You alright?" he asked.

"I don't know if I'll ever be again, Paddy. I feel so empty," Aaron said, still holding on to the older man."

"You will be, Aaron, you will be. Give it time."

"It's all I have left."

Paddy was struck by his words, but he knew Aaron's heart would heal over time. It was not going to be easy, especially with the court case looming ahead, but he was going to be there to support him as much as possible.

Aaron had to get himself together. He now had to get back to the car to meet Judge Baxter for the drive back.

"Must get back," he said, looking at the people who were closest to him – Paddy, Hazel, his Mum, Cain.

"Son, who is this woman, this judge?" Chas said, just dying to find out what was going on.

"Don't you remember her?" Aaron said, "She was the judge who handed me that Community Payback sentence. She was in charge of my bail hearing today, but for some reasons, she decided to bring me here." He was not about to reveal what reasons Judge Baxter had to justify their trip here. He felt that what she said to him was said in confidence, in a way, and he didn't want to betray that confidence.

"But why did she do that?" Paddy enquired. It was his turn now to be puzzled.

"All I can say is that she's a very nice woman and she won't get me into more trouble. Actually, she's the one who might get into trouble if I don't get back to the car." He was glad he came up with that answer because it allowed him to slip away without further explanation. He didn't want to go into details with them all. He loved them dearly, he knew they wanted to know more, but he also knew he needed to get back to the car and back to his jail cell. Not a great prospect, mind you, but he promised her he wouldn't cause trouble. He was not about to disappoint her. For her own reasons, she had taken upon herself to do this for him and he was so grateful. She had gone on a limb so he could say a final goodbye to Jackson, and after being here today, he had realised just how much he had wanted that. So letting her down right now was the last thing he wanted to do.

"Look, I gotta go. The bail hearing is this afternoon and we'll see what happens. I'll let you now as soon as I can." He hugged his Mum one last time before going. He looked at Hazel, hoping she was going to be alright. "Hazel, you OK?" he said, putting his hands on her shoulders.

"I will be, kiddo. Give me some time. Take care of yourself and let us know how it goes this afternoon. I just want you home." Hazel was very concerned. She was worried for Aaron, worried about the bail hearing. She figured he would be alright, but still, he had to go through the process and it had to be difficult for him. She also felt terribly guilty about the whole thing, about the fact he got charged and she didn't. But there was nothing more she could do right now, was there?

Paddy decided to walk him back to the car and to Judge Baxter. After all, they were parked in front of the Smithy. So, he was just going back home! Aaron was OK with that. He liked Paddy a lot and he actually wanted him to maybe have a few more words with the judge. Upon reaching the car, they saw Julia Baxter get out to meet them. "Mr. Livesy, are you alright?" she asked him. He knew she was sincere, especially after she saw him coming out of the church, she knew this had been hard.

"Yes, thanks. You remember Paddy Kirk?"

"I do," she said.

"Thank you so much for whatever you did to be able to bring him here for Jackson's funeral, it's much appreciated. You can't imagine," Paddy said, serious but smiling.

"You're very welcome." That was all she said. She knew both of them were grateful, but she just couldn't get into a long discussion right now.

"Mr. Livesy, we must be going."

"Yes, I know." Turning to Paddy, "Look Paddy, everything will be alright this afternoon, I'll sort myself out. Don't worry."

That was exactly what Paddy was going to do, worry! No matter what the young lad said, this was a big thing. Getting bail on a murder charge was serious business. However, he knew Aaron was aware of the gravity of the situation and he wasn't going to do anything stupid to mess things up.

The drive back to Hotten was fairly quiet. Shortly after leaving the village, Julia Baxter said, "I am truly sorry for your loss. I know this must have been difficult today, and your day is not over yet, but I hope coming here helped a bit."

Aaron wasn't sure what to say. He should have thanked her, but it didn't seem enough. This woman had been fantastic. A few hours ago, he knew he wasn't going to make it to Jackson's funeral. And now, he was sitting in her car, on his way back from what had seemingly been one of the most significant events in his life. Or in anyone's life, for that matter. It is not every day that a nineteen-year old buries his boyfriend.

"You know, when I realised I was gay, and then when I came out in court, in front of you, I thought my world would collapse. Nothing was certain anymore, I was vulnerable. I needed some stability, some reassurance." Aaron was opening up to this woman in a way he never thought he could have. He was taking his time, but he felt it was important to say this. He also felt he could. She would listen. In his mind, this was the mother listening, not the judge. "Paddy gave me the stability I desperately needed, he helped me in so many ways, but what I really needed was the emotional stability. I needed to figure out what it meant for me to be gay.

"When Jackson and I started dating properly, I quickly realised he was what I needed. He helped me understand myself and he helped me learn. With him, I learned to love. It was so hard at first because I didn't know what love was. At least, not that kind of love. I had no point of reference. I wasn't used to someone caring so much about me, I didn't know what to do. Sure, Paddy loves me, my Mum loves me, but the love of a… boyfriend is different. Sadly, I wasn't able to tell him at the right time that I loved him. I didn't know how. Then the accident happened and everything else, and it was too late then. I realised it afterwards."

Julia Baxter was listening carefully. She was hurting inside. She kept thinking about her son, how she loved him but didn't tell him in time, didn't pay attention to the signals. Was it too late? Is it ever too late to tell your son that you love him, no matter what, no matter if he's gay or straight? Is it ever too late to find out how much he loves his boyfriend, how happy he is and how much he wants you to know? No, it's never too late for that, and she knew it, particularly because in her case, her son was still alive and well.

Aaron continued, "He had told me that I would know when I would feel love in the way he meant it, and it finally happened. Even though it was too late, I still told him. I wanted to tell him, I needed to. I needed him to know. I really wish it didn't happen like that. I was so blind, such an idiot. Somehow, he had loved me all along, even when I wasn't sure if I loved him back. That was Jackson for you."

Aaron realised he had been talking for quite a while when he saw that they had reached Hotten.

"Sorry, I've been talking rubbish. Maybe I shouldn't have said all those things."

"Don't be sorry, I am glad you did." She paused for a moment before adding, "You actually taught me something important today. We shouldn't wait until it's too late to say the important things."

Aaron knew what she was saying. She was thinking about her own son and how she had neglected to listen to him properly when he told her he was gay and that he had a boyfriend. He wondered if she would change that, if she would contact him to tell him the important things, like she said.

Their conversation ended when they reached the parking lot of the court house. An awkward silence settled in the car before they unbuckled their seat belts and got out. They walked in silence, lost in their thoughts, until they reached the entrance. Aaron put his hand on the handle to open the door for her, but right before he did, he looked at her and said, "Thank you, M'am, for everything." She smiled warmly at him and said, "You're very welcome, Mr. Livesy. And thank you."

Aaron opened the door, they made their way downstairs until they reached the duty officer's desk. She identified herself and Aaron, and both initialed the TCR form to confirm he was back in custody. Before he was led back to cell number three, he looked at her, holding her gaze. Uncomfortable, shy, fiddling with his fingers the way he often did in situations like that, he managed to address her one last time, "M'am, will you promise me something?"

She held his gaze, a bit surprised, but pretty sure of what was coming.

"What is it, Mr. Livesy?"

"Promise me you'll contact your son to tell him about the important things," Aaron said, his voice quiet and a little shaky.

She looked at him the way a mother looks at her son. It was a brief moment, but ever so significant for both of them. She knew he had won her over.

"I promise."

– End –


End file.
